Ok, but how do you feel?

So, how I feel?
Emotionally - I am very guarded. In 1998, I miscarried a little boy, that we named Spencer. He was my fourth child and honestly, I didn't really want to pregnant at that time. And I have been carrying that guilt around with me for these past 14 years and although I didn't expect this baby, I was not going to be not happy about it. But let me tell you, a good friend pointed something out to me the other night. She said, "How many teenagers get pregnant and aren't happy about it and nothing happens to their babies? Our Heavenly Father wouldn't do that." It seems silly, but I hadn't ever thought about it that way. I know that it was always part of His plan, for me to only carry Spencer as long as I did and it wasn't anything that I did. It just takes a kick in the pants to get my thoughts back on track sometimes. So, back to the present. I am guarded because I actually really want to be happy about having this baby, but I am afraid to want something so badly, because it too may not be in His plan for me to raise this child. It is such a devastating loss and I don't want to go through that again. I am also guarded because being pregnant at 37, there are so many things that could happen (health issues with the baby). And I am guarded because I am afraid that I can't do it. What if I can't be that "vessel that gets morphed into a great pregnant mommy"?


Physically - I am sick and tired and sick and tired of being sick and tired!! I know that this may shock some of you, but there was a time in my younger years that I drank alcohol. Shhh, don't tell. And there is this feeling that you get when you just start to feel a little bit off kilter. (I am assuming this has happened to others, is why I am explaining it like this) And you could maybe fall over if gave in, but you're still able to pull yourself together and walk straight even though the room is ever so slightly spinning, or is it just your head spinning? Well, that is pretty much how I feel all day long every day. Oh, and nauseous too. But I am walking (slowly) through the office as though everything is normal. With my happy face on... eating my salads!!


I haven't made a huge public announcement yet, by the way. For a few reasons. One, I don't want to have everyone in my world know, in case something does happen. I had just announced Spencer when I had that miscarriage and everyone hears that your pregnant but somehow, not everyone hears that you miscarried. It is not fun to have tell that story over and over again. Second, there is another woman in my office that has been trying to get pregnant for a long time and finally is. She confided in me that she is pregnant and that she will make her announcement after her first appt with her OB. She is about 2 1/2 weeks further along than me. I don't want to take anything away from her being able to have her moment. She deserves it. So, although I am making this blog, it is, for now, our little secret.